My Heroine

I've always looked up to my older sister. She's smart, beautiful, and independent. She never seems to care about what others think about her and I admire her for that. I'm always worried about other perceptions and I've never been as confident as her. When she walks into a room, it seems like all the attention just shifts to her and she doesn't even try.

About 7 months ago, my sister told me that she was a lesbian. She said that she always knew, but growing up in my family, she always was trying to fight and deny it. My family is very conservative and sometimes I think my dad is even homophobic. Since we're really close, I was the only one in our family that she told. I didn't care. If thats who she was and if that's what made her happy I was fine. I've always looked up to her and I'll always love her. She has gone through a lot in her life and she has managed to rise above all of her issues and become a successful women with a promising career.

Last night my sister decided to make a bold decision and come out to the rest of our family. Even our grandparents. I was so proud of her. She did it with grace and confidence. I know she must have been scared, but you would have never known. I can only wish that one day I can possess as much confidence and courage that she has.

I love her no matter who she loves. She is my sister. My best friend. She is my heroine.

Make Ups and Break Ups

Why does good news always come with bad news?

I've noticed that for every bit of good news, bad news is right around the corner. It's irritating and I think it's unfair. For once, I'd like some good news and even better news! Is that so much to ask for??? Unfortunately, thats exactly how this entry is. I've got some good news and some not so good news....

I think I'll start out on a happy note. My ex, who I was in love with and then he broke my heart, and I have made up. We're not back together, but we are finally on speaking terms. As bitter as I was towards him, I still missed having him around (even if he wasn't mine anymore). He was my best friend and he knew things about me that not many people know. Because we were so close it was hard for me to try and forget him. How can you let someone so close to you go? We forgave each other and even went out and got some food and caught each other up on our lives. It was nice. And I never really realized how much I had miss him.

On to the bad news....

There is this guy I have been dating for about 3 months now. He is great. He's smart, he always makes me laugh, he's sweet, and he's cute. But after catching up with my ex, I've realized that I don't care about my guy now as much as I can care about a person. I like him and I would love to be friends with him, but I don't think being in a relationship with him is the best thing. I don't want to get back with my ex, but I do know how it feels to really like someone and care about them. I just don't feel like that right now. I think I'm going to have to break up with him. The worse thing is, I know that he really cares about me and I don't want to break his heart because I know how much it hurts.

I don't know what to do.

Smart Cookie

The past few days have been hectic for me. I had to move all my stuff back into my dorm and I started classes today. It's been a crazy process trying to get back into the swing of things. I'm even starting to get stressed out.

I was pretty excited to get back to my dorm and see all my friends and to catch up with my roommate. Unfortunately, when I got back my roommate was gone! Her family is having financial issues so she couldn't afford to come back. I'm so bummed cause she was one of my best friends and we have the best times together. I'm definitely NOT excited about getting a new roommate. How can you be excited about losing a best friend? I'll try my best to be welcoming.

On top of the fact that my roommate isn't coming back, I'm already freaking out about some of my classes. For example, I was sitting in my applied calculus class listening to my professor go over how she grades, what's expected when it comes to homework, make up procedures, etc. And then she tells us that we'll be having oral exams.... WHAT?! Oral Exams in math??? Math and I already don't get along and now I have to be able to work out derivatives and profit word problems in front of my professor with logical reasoning behind each step (I always thought thats what showing your work on the paper was for)? Great. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off, but I can only cross my fingers that it ends well.

Through all the things that have been going on these past few days, my friends and I decided to order some chinese food and just relax. When we all get done with our food, we have a tradition of opening up our fortune cookies at the same time and then we read them to each other. My fortune cookie read:

"You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one"

After I read that, I realized that I shouldn't just shut myself down so fast. I'm definitely not okay with failing and failing has never been an option in my life. As long as I try my best and put effort into all my work, I can't fail. So for everyone out there who gets stressed out like I do about "failing" just remember not to ever settle for failure. Work hard and accomplish your goals. Sometimes you just gotta take a breath and remember that you can do it! That probably sounded really corny, but it's true. I wish everyone the best of luck with whatever goals you have set.

Perceptions

Have you ever wondered how people perceive you?

I'm always trying to figure out what I look like through someone else's eyes. So yesterday I decided to ask some of my good friends for their honest opinion of me. I pretty much got the same answers: happy, outgoing, spontaneous, smart, strong-willed. Now, I'm not complaining about any of the answers I got, but I must admit I was very surprised!

I definitely wouldn't consider myself to be happy most of the time. I'm usually miserable cause my stepmother and I fight ALL the time (not as much now since I'm in college and out of the house). I even was diagnosed with depression a few years back (I'm a lot better these days :) When I heard spontaneous for the first time, I thought that was a mistake! I always think through everything that I do. I might do something "out there" or stupid, but 99% of the time I sat there and thought about all the possible outcomes and then just decided it was worth it.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like maybe nobody really knows me. Or maybe I'm just good at hiding how I really feel. Honestly, I'm scared to show most people how I'm really feeling because I don't want anyone to see me as weak. I don't even like crying in front of people (even my family sometimes) because I hate being vulnerable. Does this mean I'm lying to people about who I really am? I don't want to be a fake... I'm just scared to get rejected cause of my weaknesses. I haven't even been in a real relationship in a while because I'm scared to put my heart out on the line since last time my heart got stepped on and broken.

So I guess the real question is: Who am I? :/

Although I'm not quite sure who I am, I know one thing for sure: I am me. I'm thankful for all the people in my life who love me and put up with me despite my flaws Hopefully as life goes on, I'll be able to discover more about myself and become content with who I am.

Dedication

Today is the anniversary of my mother's death.

She died of breast cancer when I was 13. Even though I was only 13 years old, I still remember a lot about her. I remember her laugh, her smile, her dedication, and most of all, I remember her strength. I don't ever remember her not being sick. She never let it slow her down. She was always right there after school to pick me up, front and center at all my recitals, and always there and ready to help me and my siblings with whatever we needed. I miss her so much. I can only hope that one day I can possess the strength that my mother had. She was amazing and she is my hero.

I love you Mom.